Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
