i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
