it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
