We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
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My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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