Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
