Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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