i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
