I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
