I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
