There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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