she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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