Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize