My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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