Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
