I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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