Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
