Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
