I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
