I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I booty called her while she was in labor.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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