dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
