I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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