So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
