I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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