We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
