i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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