it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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