apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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