her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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