I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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