I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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