Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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