I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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