Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
