what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
