I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
