dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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