I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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