i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
