She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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