Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
