My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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