I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
