That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
