I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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