So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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