Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
