just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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