I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
