Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can you bring me the toilet please
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I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
God, I missed his penis.
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