Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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