So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
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I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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