need another drink. this is the easiest way
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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