If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
