im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
