talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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