this boner is exhausting
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
