Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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