I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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