so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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