i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
